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Far and farther

By Daniel M. Ryan
web posted March 12, 2007

[Background: One of the many ways in which the government is trying to improve our lives is research into phenomena only vaguely understood by the public. And yes, time travel is one of them. This particular project, like many worried about the funding continuance, actually came up with a real result: an honest-to-gosh courtier from the England of old. After many expected acclimatization issues, he managed to grasp both a rudimentary knowledge of our time and unsurprisingly, given the locale he was whisked to, a basic knowledge of government policies. He was enthusiastic about many of them, and left this recommendation/endorsement for posterity – unfortunately, in a rather eccentric form, as he was convinced that regular English was "Neuelande" patois:]

I have Seene mennie Thinges towhich I cane acquite Treue Tesstymonie abovte Neueland, a Realme which Bee fyled wit Treulee Mervellyous Wonderes, e'en tho' it bee Demed a Republique. The enhabytaunts off Neuelande call yt "United State of America" & yt bee a State treulie United, vne whose Sujeckts ore Well Domesticked & Contyent.

Thier Highnes is becalled the "President," & I be Ossured it be an Auffyce sujeckt toe Yllycton. I allsoe bee Ossured the Commouns bee Elected toe, yet the Consellyurs off Estat bee Appointed bye the "President." I herebee Ossured the President bee a Fellowe like the Multytyude, yet the Pompe and Dysplaye he soebee Communed bye the Cortieres & the Mineons & the Agauntes off the Estat, & off the Publick thro' an organe off the Realme called the "Media." It bee the greate broade caste for the Sujeckts.

The Sujeckts plee to the Pressydaunte for Grantatyons from the Bountee off the Tresaurye off the "United States" and they plee to the Commouns and toe the Senaut. Theye plee to the Justycyeres dauns the Corts toe. These Multytyudes plees doe pleas the Mandatoeries off the Estat. The Mandatoeries are pleasor'd to Despence meny Notes wyche cane bee Echaunged for Monnayes. These Monnayes frome the Estat fournysh meny playntytudes. I haf redde Muche off theme.

On exaumple off saide Bountee allbee Repaired to the Use off the Sujeckts bee a moste Preceptous Plane, yn Wyche the Bountees off the Estat are Cyrcyleted thro' the Realme & Sente baktoe the Tresaurie yn a maniere toe wyche Wee off Englonde bee note Accoutomed toe. Mennie Richesses bee hade thro' Lournynges, off wyche there ys grete Loue expres'd, a Loue ensymyllare toe the Loue off Monnaies. The Unyteed Stautes expreseth mooche loue off Pracktyque.

Som escryte thaute the sam Monnaies retourne toe the Tresorye os hast beene Despensed. Som escryte thaute a grete Encreemaunte off Monnaie bee retourned thro' these Menes. There bee dyvers escrynaurs' battyles yn Wordes ouer these Encreemaunts & theyre Magnitudes. Bothe plauns theye bee Grounded in pleine Sense, os theyre ist noe Playce forr such Fonds to goe, vnlyss theie bee smuggl'd Ouersees. Mennie off grete Lourninges concurre & specyfye suche Gaynes.

Yf theyre bee a moste puyssante mene thro' wyche sed Republique bee Boundeed wythe Ytselfe, it bee thro' the Duel menes off the "Vote" & the "Education". Thro' the Vote, the Sujeckts expresse theyre Plesore or Displaisance toe the Estat eche ij orr iiij yrs. Thro' the Eductyaune, theye Lourne toe Becaste theyre Vote in a Propytyous Manyere. The Eductyaune bee largelee Finaunced bye the Estat, soe toe ensure the Multitude bee Obesyaunt toe Customes & Laues & the "Political Process". Soe, yt ensures the Contynautee off the Praucysse os the Republique demaunds. Theyre are noe Lords Spyrytuale toe mediate.

Os yn Englonde, therbee some Multitudes whobee Unmannerlie towards the Estat & yt bee ensystaued bye Theye the Estat bee sujeckt toe Lymytes the "Constitution" mekes Specyfyck. The commoun Multitude doe note bestyrre toe Seeryousnes by these Plaintes. Allso, the commoun durst note grete these Playnaunts with naught but Mirthe, & theye are vysageed as sourcees off muche Merriement. Sayde Mirthe bee explauned eesylee thro' the Eductyaune.

Fondes ou Monnaie cane bee Hade thro' Laurnynges & Technyk. Thes ij Callynges are parte off the Eductyaune. Theyebe producyue off Monnayes & Monnayes are thus emplaced yn Theme. Yt begynes wythe the Childer off the Multytude; thes Childer, lyke thos off Us, teke Monnaye & doe not Contrybue muche. Unlyke thos off Us, the childer off Neuelande ore bequethed menie Plentytudenousses on occonte off the Tresorye beeinge the Payee. Enconsequence, the Estat ys shoun many Respectes & Obesiences wyche wee off Englonde doe note, lest schulde wee neede Monnaye os welle. Dere mennie escrynyngs off the consequence off the Payee Tertius, orr the "Third Payer System."…

{Unfortunately, what remains in this testimony is of little value, even for those who enjoy seeing through the eccentricities of language in the above excerpt. Our subject at this point launches into solutions, he being unaware that he is not a citizen of the United States and thus has no right to an opinion as to the restructuring of the current system. It was made clear to him, as clear as could be expected given the language gap, that the United States does welcome advice from foreigners, but insistences are not exactly part of standard international courtesies. This admonition seemed to mean nothing to him; it merely prompted repeated invocations of "Chrystendome." Evidently, the subject believes that the large Christian component of the United States gives foreigners such as he the right to interfere in matters confined to the citizenry.   

{After the above attempt at description of the United States, one obviously bound to his own knowledge-limitations, he then launched into a series of recommendations relating to the budgetary issues that have been aired in the last paragraph of the excerpt above. It has been decided to omit them because, to the reader unacquainted with the gentleman who wrote them, they would convey a misleading impression that he was quite unhinged. Some of his suggestions were:

  1. taking in a cousin of the English Sovereign to be our own King;
  2. encouraging an Emperor to rise from our own soil;
  3. ceding sovereignty of the United States to the Vatican because, in his own words, "the Kingedome off the Popis ys naute off thys Worlde," a solution he was much pleased with because it would ensure "thee maximale fonde off Libertie;"
  4. giving the vote in U.S. Presidential elections to the citizens of any country where the U.S. has military bases in;
  5. taking away the vote from United States citizens in Presidential elections out of fairness to the group specified in (d);
  6. structuring grants as loans, with the burden of repayment being imposed upon the descendants of any beneficiary who died before paying them off; and such forth.

{As should be evident from this brief list, the cultural and temporal distance from the subject's time and place to ours is just too great for any accurate transcription of his opinions (a transcription that would also convey his basic sanity in life) to be produced. Archived videotapes evidencing this innate sanity, and even agreeableness, have been filed. Some of our achievements he was quite taken with, even if this admiration was largely confined to certain deplorable entertainments made possible by our present-day economic development…}

(Author's note: This installment, unlike the first and the second, is not inspired by the great Henry Hazlitt's Economics In One Lesson.) ESR

Daniel M. Ryan is a regular columnist for LewRockwell.com, and has an undamaged mail address here.


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