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Turns out, freedom sucks…Who knew? (A not-so-funny satire)

By J.B. Williams
web posted April 9, 2007

After some 230 years of first hand experience with the American human experiment known as freedom, individual liberty and self-governance, it turns out that such notions look good on paper but don't actually work well in the real world. As a result, many Americans now seek a "new direction" and Democrats have promised to rid them of the untidy and sometimes inconvenient nature of personal freedom.

The founders should have provided a "How to for Dummies" manual along with our constitutional rights of self-determination. They told us all about the upsides of freedom and self-reliance, but forgot to mention the natural consequences of bad choices made of our own free will.

Economic Freedom

Let's face it. In a world where everything has a price tag and everything always will, if one is not free to determine their own worth and financial condition, to make their own economic choices, then what other freedoms are even possible? In the end, we find that poor use of our individual freedoms means that we can't really afford to be free.

So, economic freedom is growing more and more unpopular by the day as more and more discover the inescapable high cost of poor economic choices.

It's time to end the charade. Economic freedom only works for those willing to make intelligent financial choices, accept personal responsibility for those choices and deal with the results or consequences of those choices. The number of Americans able or willing to live by these conditions is shrinking and a new direction is in order.

Economic freedom must be replaced with pure non-negotiable economic equality. It can no longer matter how hard one works or even if they work at all. It can not matter if one is smart or foolish with their resources and talents, or how driven one is to succeed while others are willing to sit it out and wait for a check in the mail.

Only the federal government can properly decide the equal worth of each American and the acceptable standard of living that all are entitled to live, no matter their individual contribution to society. This explains why presidential candidate Hillary Clinton recently pronounced she was going to take freedoms away from you for your own good. Thank goodness she has the foresight to see the need! All Democrats score an A+ on this one. BRAVO!

Personal Liberty

Like economic freedom, personal liberty, the right to make choices about one's life without governmental interference or intrusion into private affairs, has also proven to be a bad idea. We know now that people sometimes make bad personal choices when they have personal liberty and again, the natural consequences inherent with these choices are wholly unacceptable in an evolved society.

We aren't apes anymore. We are an evolved society of intelligent caring beings who should no longer be held down by the limits of the individual decisions we make. As a fully evolved society seemingly willing to care for each other even when we clearly don't care so well for ourselves, it stands to reason that personal liberty should be discouraged.

If we are to care for our fellow members of society, it is both reasonable and logical that we must regulate individual choices in order to limit our broad social exposure to the expenses almost always associated with poor personal choices.

As an example, since abortion is a constitutionally protected right which we dare not infringe upon, in order to curtail the need to continue killing more than 4 million innocent children per year, we must regulate sexual behaviors and the individual choices that can result in unwanted pregnancy, apparently at least 4 million times a year.

Likewise, we must look closely at the personal choices that result in sexually transmitted diseases like the deadly AIDS virus, and regulate the associated behaviors that result in very costly medical research and treatments that are inescapable once the brokeback horse is out of the barn, so to speak.

Left to our own devices and free choice, we are sleeping with literally everyone and everything and the natural health and social consequences are simply becoming too much. Men are sleeping with men, women with women, some with animals and others even with defenseless babies. Clearly, we are not well equipped to make these kinds of choices on our own.

We have therefore already begun the process of regulating these behaviors by legislating against other poor personal choices, like smoking, drinking, driving too fast around folks who can barely drive at all and fining those who insist upon selling unhealthy goods like hot coffee and the Big Mac, to people clearly not responsible for their personal steady diet of Big Mac's.

We must save the people from themselves at all cost! It's the right thing to do, for the greater good.

Religious Freedom

This one is definitely a MUST go… People who can't be trusted with simple decisions like whether or not to spend more than they make or involve themselves with sexual exploits that we all know cause health risks and unwanted abortion, can not be trusted to decide a BIG issue like religion and the ruler of the universe. Plus, once the people learn to turn to our government for the solution to every problem, no matter how personal, they really won't need religion any more.

Again, let's be real for a moment. God doesn't always respond to our needs. When you asked God to help you win the last Super-Lotto, how'd that turn out?

But once we all get accustomed to praying to Washington DC, the odds of real answers to our daily prayers is greatly improved. Besides, we all know that nothing has caused more bickering and fighting among humans than free religious expression. Enough is enough! Focus on your tangible government, not some intangible God.

Freedom of Conscience

Well, what needs to be said about this one really? It's clear that in modern day America, conscience, morality and ethics, are in the eye of the beholder. The idea that there is any standard set of measures for gauging good or evil, right and wrong, has outlived its useful place in society, hasn't it? It's an old notion no longer held by most Americans. Out with it!

The federal government can be our moral compass by way of popular vote. Whatever the popular majority decides is morally correct will become federal law. No more lengthy debates over complex issues or political wrangling over whose at fault for anything. We just need to enforce the will of the majority and be done with it!

The federal government will simply become responsible for everything, no matter how minor and we the people will simply work however many hours a week it takes, at whatever job we are assigned by the government and send every penny to Washington to balance the federal cost of equal universal care for all.

Sound good? We can work out the details later.

For now, just know that your government has your back and make sure that you vote Democrat at every chance, because those damn Republicans are still stuck on themselves and their greed driven foolish freedoms!

Hillary/Obama '08!
(or Obama/Hillary if you like, no difference)

With a Democrat controlled congress and these two in the White House, the horrifying consequences of freedom and liberty can be wiped out forever in a single term!

Join the new revolution today!


© 2007 J.B. Williams


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