You might be a liberal if...
We use political labels all the time. Too often, though, we do so without conveying anything substantive about the beliefs or worldviews of the individual upon whom the label has been conferred.
To answer that question, I've culled numerous lists of my own, and those submitted by colleagues, regarding the attributes of voters who identify as "Democrats." With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, here are my favorite answers to:
...still have an "Obama 2012" bumper sticker on your car -- right next to your "Obama 2008" bumper sticker.
...believe that achieving a record low percentage of Americans working, and record high percentage of Americans on food stamps and other "public assistance," are indicators of a successful economic recovery model.
...feel that voter fraud is a form of "social justice."
...are certain that any criticism of Obama is rooted in racism.
...believe Bill Maher and Jon Stewart are "journalists," and everything on MTV and in the New York Times is "journalism."
...look like "a deer in the headlights" if anyone mentions our Constitution because that is just "right-wing rhetoric."
... rail against racial discrimination but staunchly support Affirmative Action.
...feel the grassroots Tea Party Movement is a collection of ignorant racists, but the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is a coalition of thoughtful and principled reformers.
...believe CNN and The New York Times are objective, but Fox News and The Wall Street Journal are biased.
...feel George Soros is a benevolent patriarch but the Koch brothers are evil incarnate.
...support redistribution of wealth, as long as it's not your wealth.
...use hash tags like #hatewhitey, #taxtherich and #hateTEA on Twitter.
...believe that our Constitution is "living" but unborn children are not.
...are tolerant of diverse opinions as long as they do not divert from your own.
...want the government out of our bedrooms unless they're providing free birth control and abortions.
...feel people who are opposed to the redefinition of marriage, as Barack Obama was when elected, are bigots.
...feel the free market is where one goes to collect government handouts.
...have no idea that Franklin Roosevelt's "principle on taxation" was plagiarized from Karl Marx.
...still refer to Stalin as "Uncle Joe."
…believe that Che Guevara is a saint.
...know more than one vegan.
...oppose the death penalty for the most heinous of convicted criminals, while supporting the death penalty for the most innocent of unborn children.
...believe the only absolute in life is a brand of vodka.
...have joined Al Gore's cult of earth worshippers and feel "global warming" is all manmade.
...believe Oprah should be Obama's running mate in his third term.
...believe the phrase "separation of Church and State" is in the Constitution.
...reject the "paper or plastic" question because you're "bi-sacksual."
...feel that an open border with Mexico will provide you job security.
…believe jihadist Muslims are misunderstood peaceniks but Christians are cutthroat terrorists.
...protest against state censorship unless it's directed at anything "conservative."
...feel it's OK to require drug tests to keep a job but racist to require drug tests for welfare recipients.
...feel it's OK to mandate IDs to withdraw your own money from your own bank while it's racist to require IDs to vote.
...believe that making a "gun-like finger gesture" in elementary school is cause for expulsion while body guards for leftists should be armed to the teeth.
...believe that parents should provide permission slips for middle-school field trips but not abortion referrals.
...believe that "clinging to guns and religion" is subversive anti-American behavior.
...believe that "the right to keep and bear arms" is an obstacle to Liberty rather than its best insurance policy, that "a well regulated militia" refers to the National Guard, and that "arms" refers only to shotguns and hunting rifles.
...feel Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden are heroes for stealing millions of classified documents and making them available to Russia and China.
...trust that Obama's IRS enemies list is fully justified.
...believe that altering the "Benghazi talking points" is an Italian automaker's revised marketing plan.
...believe Bill Clinton is the best spokesperson for the Democrats.
...don't have a problem with a twice-elected mixed-race president who spews racist and classist rhetoric while living as the wealthiest of one-percenters.
...feel the primary objective of ObamaCare is to provide "affordable health care" to the uninsured.
...didn't know there are now 20 million more uninsured Americans now than when Obama took office.
...believe Barack Hussein Obama is trustworthy.
Next week's topic: Your Might Be a Conservative If...