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Duck!

By Phillip J. Hubbell
web posted May 27, 2002

All right Americans. Are you listening? Something, somewhere, sometime, might be getting ready to happen with regards to a terrorist attack. What you need to do as a concerned citizen is get on the phone and report anything suspicious to the police. What is something suspicious? Well, that is an activity that is something, somewhere, sometime that might be getting ready to happen with regards to a terrorist attack. It has been made clear that any information not made public by the government will be subject to prosecution and/or investigation based on the 20/20 hindsight of the American press and the Democrat Party leadership. Now that all information is being released, there can be no further terrorist attacks that aren't known to everyone in the United States well before the event. This is true no matter the general nature of the information.

It is now clear from the information flowing from the government that we are in imminent danger of being blown up by terrorists on bridges, tunnels, apartment buildings, public transport, landmarks, airports, shopping malls, holiday picnics and those notorious scuba divers coming ashore on our nation's many public beaches. The government also suggests that we remain calm and try and lead our lives as normally as possible. It is also suggested that in order to maintain our politically correct stance towards people of varying ethnic, national and religious origins, we should overt our attention from anyone except by purely random or accidental notice, who are from any region of the world identified as off limits by the Department of Transportation.

If you feel compelled to report the suspicious behaviors of anyone, their background or ethnicity must be balanced based on the percentages of the total population of the United States. This information is readily available from the Bureau of the Census. You will, however, have to ratchet these percentages upward to account for the high numbers of suspected undocumented members of various protected ethnic groups. The government will not tolerate profiling in any form and if anyone's reports of behaviors exceeds these norms, the government will disregard your information in the order it arrived until the concerns are in sync with the proper statistical model.

This knowledge may or may not be used in preventing these attacks so that we don't tip our hand as to how this information was gathered. The public is being counted on to call the FBI and local authorities as often as possible. New phone banks are being installed and operators are standing by for the anticipated influx of phone calls. We are reminded that with all the new information coming in and the finite numbers of trained investigators that the length of time between receiving the call and starting an investigation is estimated to be two years.

Despite our worries about innocent civilians being targeted by members of terrorist organizations it is imperative that no person in the entire world be made to feel bad. The government will, of course, clear any action taken as a result of your vigilance with the proper authorities in the United Nations, the European Union, OPEC, Amnesty International, Reuters, and the People for the American Way. Only with the proper approach to dealing with terrorists and terror events, can we be assured that the rights of potential suicide bombers, highjackers, and saboteurs are protected from unreasonable accusations of wrongdoing. We must prevent feelings of humiliation from either actual perpetrators or suspects.

Now additional actions can be taken with regard to your personal safety and the safety of your family. It is suggested that you randomly duck during the next undetermined time period. Each member of the family may duck based on any feelings of danger they may encounter. It is suggested in the interest of your well being and peace of mind that family members duck as a group. If the family is not together during the day, a ducking schedule should worked out at the beginning of the day. Any ducking outside of facilities owned, operated or occupied by people of certain ethnic, national or religious origins will not be tolerated.

Phillip J. Hubbell is the author of Write Winger: Solutions for the Politically Oblique, available at www.booklocker.com.

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