A Hooters girl in every bed
By J.J. Jackson
My fellow Americans, I come before you today to humbly ask for your vote this November at a pivotal time in America. We can no longer ignore the pressing issues facing our country and that is why it is imperative that you consider the future of this great nation.
Now I understand that simply asking for your vote is not enough. Nor would I expect you to vote for me because I have simply asked you to. I could no more accept a vote from you based upon such a shallow request than you would be willing to give it. That is why I am fully prepared to discuss with you, here and now, the cornerstone of my platform.
Fellow patriots I propose a bold platform with but only one plank. But it is a plank so strong and so quintessentially American that I believe you will see its wisdom and its simplicity. It is a platform of hope. It is platform of change. It is a platform designed to better the lot of the many of Americans.
But surely I could go on for hours discussing the greatness of this platform. I could focus on how much hope and how much change it will bring. I could even provide you with facts and figures about exactly how the lives of many Americans would indeed be bettered by my proposal. But the hope and change is so self-evident that it does not need such long discussions.
The hope and change and the betterment that would come from this plan is beyond question.
Ah, I see by the look in your eyes that you do not believe me. You doubt the hope I promise. You doubt the change I guarantee. You doubt that the lives of countless Americans will be made better by this proposal. But how can you? How can you doubt that the hope and change along with the betterment I promise is real?
I will not question your motives for doubting in the hope that I bring for there has been so little hope as of late. I will not look down upon you because you doubt the change that I place before you because I understand that there has been little change ever accomplished in Washington over the past years despite similar promises. But we must not let go of our hope or our desire for change even though there has been so little of either.
And now I am ready to tell you about the hope and the change and the betterment of your lives that will come from my proposals. You may doubt that I indeed bring such lofty ideals as hope, as change, as a chance to better your lot in life. But I guarantee you that such hope and change and better standard of living are indeed real despite what my detractors have claimed and will continue to claim.
They stand against change. They stand against hope. They don't want you to better yourself. But I want all those things for you and will bring you all of them with one simple proposal. In fact, I am confident that immediately upon its implementation hope will be restored based on the change it brings that I will now discuss it with you in all of its glorious simplicity.
My fellow Americans, my fellow patriots, my fellow hopeless, change desiring citizens, I boldly propose to you the hope and change that can only come from promising that upon my election I will quickly move to institute a new federal program with but one goal. That goal shall be, for all men, a Hooters Girl in every bed.
From sea to shining sea all men will have assigned to them their very own Hooters Girl complete with white tank top and tight orange short shorts. Yes, I bring to you the hope that can only come from spending each night with a buxom babe. I bring to you the change from what you are currently sleeping beside – a nagging wife who has let herself go and doesn't understand your wants and needs. I bring to you the immediate betterment of your situation that can only come from walking down the sidewalk with a hottie on your arm.
Now, I see the look of distaste and dissatisfaction from many of you women in the audience. I have not forgotten about you and shame on you for thinking otherwise. My promise for hope and change extends to you as well. For you, my chesty Americans, I promise you a Chippendale's Dancer in you bed with rock hard abs and arms that could lift a small Toyota in a single heave.
Yes, this hope and change will be for all of you. Of course it is obvious that at this time there are not enough Hooters Girls or Chippendale's Dancers to assign one to each American and bring them this hope and change immediately. And it certainly would not be fair for some Americans to get the benefit of this program before others. So, to compensate you all for the time being and until there are enough Hooters Girls and Chippendale's Dancers for each of you, all men will receive a free order of wings from Hooters and all women will receive one free visit to Chippendale's every week until such time as the breeding program we will institute to meet the newly created demand for Hooters Girls and Chippendale's Dancers completes its assigned task and there is a Chippendale's Dancer and Hooters girl in every bed.
Of course, some people will have to sacrifice. All existing Chippendale' Dancers and Hooters Girls will have to rounded up and placed in special homes where they will be forced to selectively breed enough future generations of their kind to meet the demand my platform has promised. Also, we will begin a national search for women who are qualified to be Hooters Girls and men that are qualified to he Chippendale's dancers but are not currently so employed. These Americans will be asked to sacrifice for the benefit of the whole. But that is a small sacrifice that I believe these few should gladly make in exchange for bringing hope and change to the many.
And I ask for your patience while the breeding of enough Hooters girls and Chippendale's Dancers to supply the demand takes place. It will be some 18 years before their offspring will begin to be old enough to take part in this program and it appears that it will be a good thirty years before enough are produced via this government program to begin placing them so that no one gets the benefit of this plan before everyone else.
I warn you of this so that in four years, at the end of my first term, you do not come asking me where your personal Hooters Girl or Chippendale's Dancer is. Do not doubt that the change and hope is on the way. And I will fully expect your vote again in four more years so that I may continue to make sure that this hope and change that I have promised will be delivered to you as promised.
But alas I can serve only but two terms. If for some reason, after my second term, Congress or a future President should stop this program or scale it back, do not hold me responsible if in 30 years you still do not have your own Hooters Girl or Chippendale's Dancer in your bed which I have promised you and you are still hopeless and the promised change has not occurred. It is not my fault. I only promised that I would bring you both hope and change and I will have been true to my promise. But if you do not keep that belief in my desire for hope and change alive, then you cannot hold me accountable.
So, in conclusion, a vote for me is a vote for hope; a vote for me is a vote for change. And if you want hope, and if you want change, and if you want to better your lot in life down the road, maybe if things work out and the Hooters Girls and Chippendales Dancers we have sent off to concentration camps do not revolt and overthrow the government, and you continue to desire that hope and change, then vote for me. Because I'm the man that can put a Hooters Girl in every bed.
And if you doubt me, then you must be a racist, sexist, un-American bigot standing up against hope and standing up against change for those Americans that have none. Good night.
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the lead editor of Conservative News & Opinion – The Land of the Free and also the owner of The Right Things – Conservative T-shirts & Gifts. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at http://www.libertyreborn.com.