Dear John Rocker...

By Joe Roessler
web posted June 12, 2000

Dear John Rocker,

I don't condone what you said in the Sports Illustrated interview last year. However I am in need of a job and I would like to apply to be your publicist once you return to the majors. My resume includes writing columns for two Internet political journals. I am the author of "The Liberal Dictionary" published by a now defunct Internet magazine. I do not proclaim to be an expert in politically correct words but I believe I know enough to assist you. After you hire me and learn what to say, the mainstream press may start liking you.

For example when you said "Stupid bitch! Learn to f---ing drive!"
Women are very sensitive to any stereotyping them as bad drivers. You should have addressed your anger towards bald men. You should have yelled, "Stupid bald headed f-----r, wear a hat!" "I was blinded by the glare from your head." You see John, there is nothing wrong with attacking bald people. Even a president of a hair transplant company is a client as well. All bald guys are ashamed of their chrome dome and will do anything to look like news reporters, movie or TV stars and athletes! How many attractive women like to date bald guys? See my point? The press will give you a free pass when it comes to downgrading bald men.

In 10 minutes he is due to speak at Lockhart Academy, a school for learning-disabled children. Does Rocker enjoy speaking to children? "No," he says, "not really."
When you said this John, you should have made a case to keep abortion legal. Then the mainstream press will consider you an intellectual with consciousness when it comes to a woman's right to choose. You might throw in something about euthanasia too! Then you will be considered the smartest athlete ever to live!

"They turn from the wrong lane. They go 20 miles per hour. It makes me want -- Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese woman." A beige Toyota is jerking from lane to lane. The woman at the wheel is white. "How bad are Asian women at driving?"
Now John they didn't seem too upset about this comment, except for the part when you talked about Asian women being bad drivers. There isn't anything wrong with bashing Japanese. After all they attacked Pearl Harbor and almost destroyed the American auto industry. Why Kristi Yamaguchi couldn't even get a decent endorsement contract because she was of Japanese descent. You should stuck with Japanese bashing.

"On ever playing for a New York team: "I would retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."
John, you should have taken a lesson from Dennis Rodman and Brian Williams when they played for the Chicago Bulls against the Utah Jazz in 1997. They both knocked the Mormon influence and conservative lifestyle of Salt Lake City. Williams even made fun of the white waiter that served him in the restaurant he was at. People in Salt Lake were offended by their comments but it never reached the mainstream media because its cool to knock religion and people's lifestyle based on it. So you should have said it like this
"On ever playing for a New York team: "I would retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] the Vatican or Salt Lake City next to some whacked out Christian broad reading the bible next to a Catholic priest whose probably molested dozens of altar boys some homophobic Baptist minister to some dude who wears a cross around his neck right next to some 20-year-old Mormon or Catholic girl with four kids. It's depressing." Remember John, knock religion. Look what it did to Jesse Ventura! The mainstream guys will really like you and no matter how ignorant it may sound, you will be considered an intellectual. Secular humanism, good! Organized religion, bad!

On New York City itself: "The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?"
You really blew it here. You should have knocked Rudolph Giuliani and praised Hillary Clinton. That would have put you in the same category of the New York elite. Also make a comment about New York's tough gun controls laws. And point out that these foreigners who are "people of color" are victims of gun crime as well. You don't need any evidence, just do what the mainstream boys do. Quote meaningless statistics such as 12 children die a day from gun violence and then make up some number that so many out of the 12 are minorities. You don't need to provide evidence, they'll buy it! Just read the paper or watch the evening news.

In passing, he calls an overweight black teammate "a fat monkey."
You should have made a point here that your African-American teammate is addicted to McDonald's or Pizza Hut. He is a victim of a corporate greed. Lead into a speech on how the government should sue the fast food industry for making people like your teammate fat. It isn't his fault that he is a bit overweight. The blame lies in the fast food industry. They will love you on that and who knows? You may get a phone call from the White House and the president may want you to be a spokesperson for his diet and nutrition guidelines.

Asked if he feels any bond with New York Knicks guard Latrell Sprewell, notorious for choking coach P.J. Carlesimo two years ago, Rocker lets out a snarl of disgust. "That guy should've been arrested, and instead he's playing basketball," he says. "Why do you think that is? Do you think if he was Keith Van Horn -- if he was white -- they'd let him back? No way."
Now John, people, especially those with the liberal point of view doesn't like to hear the truth. They will tell you that there are no black racists because Spike Lee says so. Make a point that you heard rumors that P.J. Carlesimo hung a Confederate battle flag in his office. So therefore he deserved to be choked. Look at the difference between Rodney King and Reginald Denny. They will tell you that Reginald deserved to have a brick thrown at his head at the beginning of the 1992 Los Angeles riots. After all it was years of white racism that caused it. So Reginald too is a victim of white racism! So in this case both Latrell and Coach Carlesimo is a victim of white racism. Also point out that Keith Van Horn played for the University of Utah where there are a lot of Mormons. Whether Keith is one or not does matter. He's guilty by affiliation.

Rocker is rarely tongue-tied when it comes to bashing those of a race or sexual orientation different from his. "I'm not a racist or prejudiced person," he says with apparent conviction. "But certain people bother me."
Now remember, next time John when you are interviewed by someone from the mainstream media, you dare not mention race, gender, sexual orientation or secular humanism unless it is in some form of praise. However you can knock religion (Christian beliefs only). Make fun of Catholic priests and nuns, put down conservatives, talk about how fat Rush Limbaugh is, monogamist couples are morons, the institution of marriage is a joke, fathers who don't sleep with their daughters are dysfunctional and adultery is OK as long as its between two consenting adults. Having those beliefs should get you on the right track with the mainstream press.

So John, will you hire me? If you do, just follow what I said and if someone points out that you are a bigot in your thoughts, just point to me! I am bald, have a slight pot belly because of my age, half-white and half-Japanese, practicing Catholic, lived in Utah, married to one woman for over 18 years, father of two children, a Navy veteran and I speak Japanese as well. I'm a conservative but can sound like a liberal. So what do you think? Am I hired?

Joe Roessler is a regular contributor to Enter Stage Right.

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