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Dear Dr. Progressive

web posted June 25, 2001

Confused and liberal? Send your questions to the good doctor at jglazov@home.com

Dear Dr. Progressive,

I am plagued with guilt over the living conditions of our family animal companions! I don't know where to begin but will start with the bunny named "Dusty". We keep him in a steel wire cage in the house. He lives inside this prison where we feed him his dried pellet food, clean his litter and give him fresh water. We take him out periodically to run around the room. We have been trying to instruct him in correct Socialist Dogma but he seems to think that Dogma is our beagle who keeps eating the rabbit raisins that get bumped out of the cage.

We have been trying valiantly to make our beagle into "New Socialist Dog" but he keeps sneaking into the cat box or trying to steal their food. We have to keep him penned up in the kitchen when we are away. One of our cats has taken to spraying in the house to mark his territory like some sort of bourgeoisie landlord. We have to keep him outside all the time. Our other cat refuses to do any work in the collective or catch a mouse. We had to sell our hedgehog for showing anti-socialist traits.

Dr. Progressive, I feel like we've just set up some kind of pet gulag with our furry companions in cages, getting doles of food, and then failing to support the cause of animal liberation. Even with PETA moving to Norfolk, I can't get any of them to attend local cell meetings. What should I do with them? I think I'm beginning to understand how kindly old Uncle Joe felt about the Kulaks.

Barry H. Hellman, Jr
Norfolk, VA USA

Barry,

Is there a question here somewhere? This column is not just meant for meaningless correspondence. You are supposed to be asking me for advice. It is precisely because of people like you that I am seriously considering quitting this whole thing.


Dear Dr. Progressive,

I'm very grateful that you have returned. The progressive community is so busy ministering, with the help of a large and aggressive government, to the needs of every possible variant of the human condition that they neglect the needs of their own. Your sensitive, reflective and insightful advise must surely soothe their angst. Until these people die out, as they are opposed to sex for mere reproductive purposes, you sir may be their last best hope to help them on their journey into the night of a richly deserved oblivion. You're the only advise column worth reading. Welcome back.

Sincerely,
Brad Lena

Brad,

Whatever.


Dear Dr. Progressive,

I am a lesbian who is firmly committed to eradicating homophobia. To this end, every night we go with a homophobic man back to his home for a threesome with me and my girlfriend. After he goes to sleep, we beat him into a vegetable state and rob him. We're sure if we do this every night we'll rid the world of homophobes in about three years. Our landlady is starting to wonder why we have so much money. We don't want to hurt her because she charges really cheap rent, but she is a devout Southern Baptist.

Can you think of a way to convert her to our progressive thinking?

Bobbi
New York City


Bobbi,

Um, I do not support violence or robbery, and I strongly suggest you stop your line of activity toward homophobic men. How do you classify "homophobic" in any case? I understand that you think it is all right to hurt "homophobes," since the socialist tradition is always based on sacrificing humanity for higher ideals. But please stop doing this and maybe try to fight homophobia in a different way. In terms of your landlady, I don't know what to say. If she is a Southern Baptist she probably has very strong values and it would be hard to brainwash her with any kind of Leftist crap.

I also don't exactly understand why you want to convert her. Maybe you guys should just get a life.


Dear Dr. Progressive,

I am a 42 year-old male who is in a very happy, stable and functional relationship with a Trotskyist woman who is transgendered. Lately, my partner and I have been at odds with one another. For instance, when I am busy fighting the forces of globalization, he/she rarely ever approaches me and says, "It's not your fault that there is inequality." I don't need to hear this all the time, but I think that once in awhile it would be nice.

My mate is great when it comes time to going to demonstrations and screaming things really angrily at the police. But once in awhile it would be nice if he/she would approach me and say things like, "I really appreciate how much you are fighting capitalism, and if this sounds as if I'm saying it's not your fault that there is capitalism, that's what I mean. It's not your fault." But does he/she ever say this? Never. He/she used to say it in the beginning of our relationship, but not anymore.

It's just not how it used to be. I always tell him/her how proud I am of him/her at the way he/she screams and shouts at the demonstrations we go to. He/she gets all riled up and really angry and we fight for social justice. Sometimes we work each other up into a really good angry frenzy and that's when we really feel that capitalism is going to collapse. But then when we get home we realize that everything goes on just like it always does. This gets kind of depressing and then I begin to blame myself for capitalism.

How can I make my mate understand that I can only fulfill my need for autonomy and independence only after the revolution has succeeded? Sometimes when my partner pulls away from me, I begin to panic, because he/she doesn't understand that first we must defeat the forces of classism and racism.

Doesn't he/she see that both of us are automatically alternating between the need for autonomy and capitalism?

What do you suggest I do?

Bill
Atlanta

Bill,

I have nothing to say.


Dear Dr. Progressive,

You know how HarperCollins is going to take the Christianity out of C.S. Lewis' "Chronicles of Narnia" series? I think this is great for political correctness. Do you think that, for the next objective to achieve social justice, equality, and to make sure no one gets offended by any books, that we should take references to Jesus Christ out of the New Testament?

Leonard Raines

Leonard,

Congratulations. You are thinking like a good little Leftist.

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