The death of FrankenMcCain's monster
By J.J. Jackson
For years Senator McCain had a tenuous relationship with the conservatives. Sure, we supported him when we could and we respected and honored the great things he had done such as serving his country honorably in Vietnam and for which he suffered immensely. But when it came down to it most of us kept him at arms length and often held our nose while posing for pictures with him. Some of his ideas were really out there.
No man is perfect and we didn't hold that against him for certain. At least not much. And despite all his quirks, conservatives were still generally willing to invite him to the party and shake his hand even while we weren't willing to vote for him.
This was still true even after the bizarre and still unexplained attempted suicide of John McCain's presidential aspirations in 2001. That was the year of the infamous McCain/Feingold legislation; otherwise known as campaign finance reform; otherwise known as highly unconstitutional. That act caused an erosion in support for him as anything more than a Senator for his home state.
Miraculously however his candidacy for higher office didn't die from the attempt but it was the act that put his aspirations in the hospital and on life support. It was the act that made conservatives get a bigger clothespin for their noses as they questioned their tenuous support for a man that had now shown he would willingly violate the First Amendment and author a law which enabled Congress to infringe on the constitutional right to free speech.
Oh, he was still being invited over for cocktails after he recovered from that blow, but he found that fewer people flocked around him to hear what he had to say. He was, after that faux pas, kind of like the girl that wasn't quite as smart or quite as pretty as you'd like her to be, but would ask to the high school prom in a pinch. And if you could, you would ditch her in a second if the girl you really had your eyes on looked like she was available once you were there.
But as time wore on, conservative voters remembered more of the good things about Senator McCain. And we would smile and say that everyone makes mistakes. Slowly, after a couple years, we began shaking his hand and coming around him at the party once again.
So maybe we had some hand in pushing the Senator towards what he became in recent months. Maybe we gave him false hope that he had more support than he really did.
And then it happened. Then he confounded nearly everyone with a conservative bone in their body yet again. For some reason he thought, really thought, that the best way to solve the problem of people coming to America illegally was to forgive them of their crimes and welcome them openly to our society.
Conservatives raised their eyebrow at such a peculiar suggestion and McCain began to whisper of such things as amnesty that wasn't really amnesty but still basically amnesty over cocktails. He knew some even called him mad.
And as time went on, McCain became more and more adamant about his plans and those raised eyebrows were seen less and less. Not because he was convincing people he was right but rather because, like before, fewer and fewer people were hanging around to listen to what he has to say.
And as fewer and fewer people came around, Senator McCain just started to speak more loudly so that those distancing themselves from him would be forced to hear what he said. And when that was no longer working because people just moved even further away from him, he decided that it was time to make his move and get even with those now shunning him.
He was overheard saying, while clutching a drink and sitting on a couch in a lonely corner, "Mad? They think I'm mad! I'll show them MAD!"
So he bolted from the party and locked himself away with others who believed as he did. And when he emerged after months of work, he bore with him a hastily stitched together legislation that would reward people who had committed various crimes including entering the United States illegally and stealing the identities of law abiding citizens to avoid detection. He believed that once people saw his plan, his creation, they would finally see the genius of not just him, but others that thought like him.
But something quite different happened. When he presented his plan to the people, the people rose up and made their voices heard. They called it a monster and, unlike with his campaign finance reform and the abridgement of our rights to free speech, not only did they speak up, but they did so in a way that even made Mr. McCain take notice. And they stopped his efforts to bring it to life.
This was totally unexpected to the Senator. And he didn't know how to react. He thought conservatives embraced him. He had been invited to all the parties after all.
So he started to lash out. He lost complete control of his mental faculties and began to spout verbal diarrhea. He climbed up a small hill and cried to those below about how this creation of his was better than the status quo and that we had to do something. To which the people shouted back, "We just want the existing laws and penalties enforced John!"
They even offered their hands to Senator McCain and asked him to come back to the party and have another drink. But he refused.
Instead he climbed a higher hill and cried out again that this plan was better than the status quo and that we had to do something and then asked what the alternative plan was. So more people gathered and responded in a louder voice that, "We told you! We want the existing laws enforced and that our ‘plan' is to uphold current laws!"
And with that rebuke the foul substance from Senator McCain's mouth became even more rancid. His face contorted as his mind attempted to process this information. He hunched over and, became more and more hideous like the bill he held in his hand, he scowled at those gathering before him that had once accepted him. Despite having his question already answered, he leapt up and climbed the highest mountain top and proclaimed that we had to do something! This was better than nothing! What is your plan?!?
By now nearly the whole nation had gathered. But this time they did not just come to shout back but also, having seen this monster now on the loose, brought with them their pitchforks and torches. And as Senator McCain flailed his arms and gave off several mighty "RAAAHHHHRR!"s, ones worthy of Howard Dean, the people rushed him and shouted back with a roar of their own that could be heard across this nation as they stabbed at the unholy beast now before them, "We told you! Enforce the existing laws and punish the criminals!"
So today we gather. We gather to remember the campaign of a man who sought the Presidency but that the people of these United States killed when that man left them with no other choice but to kill a monster that he had created.
But lest you think that our story ends here, I have a word of caution for you. For rumor has it that the still beating heart of FrankenMcCain's Monster was saved from his dying body and whisked away to a secret vault under the Capitol. And there it sits, preserved and awaiting a new host so that it can once again run loose across the country side.
Get weekly updates about new issues of ESR!