Rachel Dolezal's complexion problem
By Michael R Shannon
Elizabeth Warren meet Rachel Dolezal. Or better yet, Liawatha meet Fauxprah. Talk about your sisters from another mother! One pretends to be an Indian to exploit the racial spoils system on the East Coast. While the other undergoes what Zorro & The Blue Footballs called the "race change operation" to become black and abuse that quota system on the West Coast.
When Warren's deception was discovered her nicknames became very colorful: Crockagawea, Fauxcahontas and Liawatha were some of the best. Dolezal and her blackface masquerade also have great potential. In just a few minutes I've come up with Josephine Faker, Liah Angelou, Phony Morrison, Nodetta and Fauxprah. You can create your own, but hurry, Rachel's notoriety won't last as long as Elizabeth's, unless she can find enough deluded Democrats to elect her to office, too.
Dolezal's transformation started slowly. Her parents adopted four black orphans. This act of kindness had a bizarre impact on blonde, blue–eyed Rachel. Maybe it was the attention they received. Maybe it was the melatonin.
Eventually she applied for a scholarship to historically black Howard University in Washington, DC. Family members couldn't help but notice she sounded more like Hattie McDaniel during her phone interviews than white–bread Rachel, but their surprise was nothing compared to the shock in the admissions office at Howard when Goldilocks walked in the door.
Her time there was not without incident. She attempted a failed lawsuit against university for racial and sex discrimination. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she got tired of being called "Snowflake" and decided to do something about it.
Her mistake may have been combining Man Tan with Jheri Curl in a single session. She dozed off as Rachel and woke up as Fakey Minaj. After listening to Michelle I was under the impression life as a black woman was tough: subtle insults at state dinners, news media hanging on your every word and people at Target asking you to reach for items on the top shelf.
But here's Rachel volunteering for duty. She had a brief marriage to a black man — it may have caused problems when he asked why a black woman had to spend so much time on the tanning bed — and then moved to Spokane to become the Al Sharpton of the organic clothing crowd.
And that proved to be the beginning of the end. Spokane is not all that far from her parent's home in Montana and as Rachel's profile increased it was only a matter of time before someone made the connection.
In retrospect Dolezal is almost a cliché. First she tries too hard. Rachel grew this huge, unruly mop of Rasta hair that I thought was supposed to be confined under a large knit cap. But no, she piles it on top of her head and as a result she looks like a cross between giant Q–Tip or a human cannonball testing a new shock absorption system.
She uses her chemically–induced race to become chair of the Seattle Police Ombudsman Commission where she searches for police brutality. Rachel claims her adopted black brother is actually her son. Ben Shapiro has unearthed an interview with The Easterner where she says the family lived in a teepee, dad hunted with a bow and arrow and they had to flee to South Africa where she was abused with a Boer whip.
Rachel claims to be a professor when she's not; says she was date raped but didn't file charges; explains her hair is blonde because she had cancer and whines that someone painted a swastika on the door of an office where she worked.
Essentially Dolezal is a leftist grievance recycling center masquerading as a human. The only thing she hasn't claimed to justify her ethnic transformation is dad was the "black sheep" of the family.
Now it's all come crashing down. She had to resign from the NAACP, the police stopped investigating her hate crime magnetism, the university didn't renew her contract and the black man she claims is her father disowned her.
The only good news for our drama queen is the gullible and superficial media is flying her east to appear on network TV. And there are rumors of an endorsement deal with Fake Bake.
Before she resigned, authentic members of the NAACP were starting a petition to force Rachel to take a leave of absence during the controversy. Her resignation pre–empts that, but some alone time might come in handy. Rachel could try to get in touch with her roots. I hear Scandinavia is very nice this time of year.
Michael R. Shannon is a public relations and advertising consultant with corporate, government and political experience around the globe. He is a dynamic and entertaining keynote speaker. He can be reached at mandate.mmpr (at) gmail.com. He is also the author of Conservative Christian's Guidebook for Living in Secular Times (Now with added humor!).