As ya'll might recall, a few of our most legendarily wild 'n woolly heroes died at Fort Alamo. It was a Texas version of the Spanish American Showdown. Unfortunately, it didn't have the OK Corral ending where the good guys win. At the Alamo, the good guys, depending on which side of the Rio Grande you're chowin' down on, lost. They tried to bite the proverbial bullet, but weren't fast enough to catch it in their teeth before the troublesome little thing came out the back of their heads.
I'm sorry to be so graphic, but with headlines advertising weekly beheadings in the Gulf we are all, in a way, starting to feel a bit like those defenders of the American Republic. We lost that battle but, in the end, we won the war. Texas remained a consistently rambunctious but committed member of these United States.
I've been enjoying the recent "bluff-downs" on TV's Texas Hold 'Em and wonder how David of the Bowie Knife and Daniel Boone might have fared at a similar card table. Even if they both lost, they wouldn't be leaving the studio feet first. Unless of course they'd been served too many drinks, in which case they'd still have a second chance to come back and learn how to bluff.
I'm here as a kind of messenger from Ft. Alamo and the news ain't good. So before you shoot the messenger, hear me out.
Which do you want first? The bad news? Or the worse news?
The bad news is that just outside our perimeter, there are over one hundred socialist federations suicidally determined to see our Republican fortress burned down. In addition, there are even a number of Americans workin' with 'em, appeasin' 'em and, in some circles, downright collaboratin' with 'em. They have been kind of quaffin' the Coronas and wolfin' down the enchiladas at the United Nations on a daily basis.
Now I love Mexican food and enjoy it as a regular part of my menu, so it's not the refried beans I object to. It's the awful gas I'm smellin' off the conversations goin' on over the tacos. There was a long fancy feast servin' Irish vittles in Brussels the other day. Generalissimo Jacques Chirac of the European Union seems determined to face down and out-bluff our English-speaking ally over there, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Great Britain. Thank God the newly created Independence Party of Britain is determined to hold the line and not let sovereign states rights be handed over to a bunch of European smarty-pants or "enlightened despots," as a French good ole boy named Voltaire called 'em.
Here's the worse news. Despite denials, these smarty-pants Marxists are secretly smiling over all the trouble we're getting from the likes of Osama bin Laden and Abu Musab al Zarqawi. Ossie and Al are screamin' "Allah!" but they're really deliverin' a message from their true prophet Karl Marx. With all the socialist federations secretly applauding them, no wonder "republic" has become an even dirtier word than "Christ".
Finally, here's the worst news. All our political heavyweights have fallen in love with the limitless power a socialist federation can give 'em in the Oval Office. That's how they look at it. From both sides o' the aisle! The checks and balances of a republic, separation of powers, states rights? Those are all just a big pain in the administration.
Is there any good news?
Yup. We're gonna lose a lotta battles and we're goin' down here at the Alamo. But, by golly, we're gonna win the war! You know why? They can legislate a lie and smile while they're doin' it. They can exploit the hell outta all the troubles we're havin' and tell lefty jokes over dinner, but there's one thing they've never been able to do since 1832, the year Karl Marx was born.
They can pack all the sports bars they want to, but they can't shoot pool worth a damn. Get blindsided every time. Ya know why?
They don't think the eight ball even exists.
Michael Moriarty is a Golden Globe and Emmy Award winning actor who has appeared in the landmark television series Law and Order, the mini-series Taken, and the recent TV-movie The 4400. In May, Moriarty won a Leo Award (celebrating excellence in British Columbia film) for best supporting actor for his role in the TV-movie Mob Princess.