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The Clinton book companion
By Lisa Fabrizio
With the advent of the Bill Clinton book blizzard heralding the arrival of his 900-plus-page biography, I have compiled a handy reference guide for those who either didn't know or have forgotten some of the relevant Clintonian tidbits sure to be included in this somber tome.
A is for Arkancide, or as I like to call it, S.A.D.S.: Sudden Arkansas Death Syndrome. The dozens of mysterious deaths, suicides and really, really bad luck that some associate with those who ran afoul of the man from Hope.
B is for bimbo eruptions which were alleged to have been concocted by the VRWC (see V) and were dealt with in the usual manner (See N).
C is for civil rights, as in a lawsuit brought by a citizen who alleged that hers were violated by the then-governor of Arkansas. This right not to be molested by Bill Clinton was denied to many women over the years, a practice defended by feminists as the ‘one grope allowed' rule.
D is for the dog he wagged in most of his military forays; but not Buddy who was killed in a tragic accident in Chappaqua, NY. Did he know too much? (See A)
E is for Escalante National Park, federalized in 1996 by you-know-who in order to allow his financiers, those wacky Riady brothers, to corner the market in clean-burning coal, the largest U.S. repository of which is located beneath its red clay.
F is for Foster, as in the strange death of Vince: either a victim of S.A.D.S. (see A) or the craftiest committer of suicide this side of Abu Nidal.
G is for Gore, vice-president extraordinaire who, on the day of his impeachment, called Bill Clinton, "one of our greatest presidents." That this man, who was so close to succeeding his boss, is out of power and now apparently in the throes of a nervous breakdown is truly providential.
H is for Hillary! Senator from New York and purportedly the smartest woman in the world; compared by many to Lady Macbeth, but unworthy of the title.
I is for impeached, which is and forever shall be a word associated with the 42nd president. I include this for the edification of the many out there who think that just because he wasn't removed from office that he wasn't actually impeached. He was, okay?
J is for Juanita, as in Broderick. It is also for justice, which is something that unfortunate woman will never receive from the court of public opinion or any other court.
K is for Kosovo which is becoming what liberals hoped that Iraq would.
L is for Larry Flint; also for lewd, lascivious, licentious, libelous, loathsome lizard-tongued, liberal lackey.
M is for McDougal as in Susan and Jim. Both convicted of fraud and asked to spill the beans on former business partners Bill and Hill, Susan donned an orange jump-suit and wisely clammed up, while her hubby succumbed to S.A.D.S. (see A) in prison shortly before he was to testify.
N is for nuts, as in ‘nuts and sluts,' a tactical weapon used by Clinton and his spin machine to denigrate his detractors and defame his accusers. (See B, C, T, V)
O is for the Oval Office, the dignity of which his two predecessors would not demean by removing their suit jackets while in it.
P is for perjury, which used to mean lying under oath--about anything. Yes, even sexual harassment (see C, S).
Q is for questions, eighty-one of which Slick Willie danced around when responding to the list sent him by Henry Hyde in the run-up to impeachment.
R is for Rodham, as in Hugh, presidential brother-in-law who collected half a million dollars for successfully arranging pardons for drug dealers and felons. It is also for Mark Rich, fugitive tax fraud who traded with Iran during the hostage crisis and was also pardoned by the head of "the most ethical administration in history."
S is for sex which, as we all know, IT was all about.
T is for Tripp, Linda, that is. A woman who would have been championed by liberals everywhere as a courageous whistleblower had she worked for Halliburton or the CIA. She was instead vilified as a backstabbing, brutish hag because she chose to tell the truth about Monica and "the big creep." Also the last person to see Vince Foster (see A, F) alive.
U is for the UN to which Clinton constantly sucked up and, some say, wishes to be Secretary General of.
V is for the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy as ‘outted' by Hillary! when defending her man. Still cited by liberals everywhere, the VRWC is now said to be infiltrating the mainstream media--imagine that!
W is for the keys childishly stolen from White House computers by Clintonistas on their way out of town, demonstrating once again the stark difference between his and the current administration.
X is for the rating sneeringly given by the media to the Ken Starr's report, as if he was responsible for the vulgar incidents of its content (see S).
Y is for youthful indiscretion, such as the one committed in his 40s by Henry Hyde, the silver fox, which was disclosed by the Clinton slime machine shortly after the release of the Starr report (see L, N, Q, S, V, X).
Z is, of course, for the zipper heard round the world.
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