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The denture adventure: The Painful Price of Vanity
By Michael Moriarty
Day-one with my new false teeth!
Don’t try linguine as your first meal, unless you already know enough to cut the long pasta into tiny little bits. The food tends to hang out of your mouth in the most embarrassing of ways!
And it stays there!! Hanging!!!
Then such length won’t go down your throat for the longest time. It just stays there! Kind of choking you to death!
Cut it up first!!
Then you can eat it best with a spoon,
I’ve never felt more like a cripple than feeding myself, pouring the pasta, through new dentures!
Uppers are almost endurable. The lowers, however. hurt me on the right side. Plus, we were dining alfresco on a very, very sunny day and my poor wife was getting burned on one of her arms!
This was, despite a lovely restaurant with excellent food, not one of our favorite dining experiences. It was then for the first time in my life, that I resigned myself to being something I vowed never to be: a stoic!
A stoic doesn’t devour life, as I have always intended to.
Basically, he puts up with it! I am, despite some definitions of the term, a narcissist!! Now, however, I am a stoic narcissist!
That’s almost a contradiction in terms.
Instead of relishing myself?!
Like some of the best meals I’ve ever had. I have to endure the very thing I am so madly in love with.
Well, that is actually, and only the case, when my new teeth are in my mouth.
The truth is: I honestly don’t mind looking like a radic’ly toothless Gabby Hayes! I’ll be eventually seen in a feature film like that.
With no teeth!
I’m learning to enjoy not having my teeth any longer. With or without teeth, I still have to cut my meals into tiny little mouthfuls!
So what the hell are false teeth for?!
Vanity! Pure vanity.
It is a man’s entrance into what is previously, and most frequently, a woman’s realm!
Make-up and face-lifts and breast-enhancements?!
Our waitress at this restaurant I’ve mentioned was, as even my wife described her, a “12”.
Yes! Way beyond a “10”! And I was pretty certain that her breasts weren’t, as one might say, “enhanced”.
They were, most divinely, the perfect size for what was also the perfect body for her height!
Doesn’t mean she was all that great to make love to.
I wouldn’t know. She just has the body most men would like to find out with.
On the other hand, truly and impressively self-evident love and lust are talents found in men and women of all shapes and all sizes
It’s taken me many decades to create my own version of Don Juan. And most of my major improvements came from overcoming my major limitations.
I won’t go into any of those major limitations now! Not that you wouldn’t be interested.
I just don’t want to limit my future as a potentially irresistible Don Juan!
Not that I’d act on every surrender to my newly acquired powers.
My “powers” ain’t what they used to be.
As for my toothless-ness?! There’s a rumor somewhere that some women have a “thing” for their grandfathers! That “thing”… sounds like pity to me.
But I have to admit: I’m shameless!
Once you lose all your teeth, you’ll use anything you can… to feel young again.
Including pity. In your old age, Pride… can prove to be your worst enemy.
Michael Moriarty is a Golden Globe and Emmy Award-winning actor who starred in the landmark television series Law and Order from 1990 to 1994. His recent film and TV credits include The Yellow Wallpaper, 12 Hours to Live, Santa Baby and Deadly Skies. Contact Michael at email@example.com. He can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/@MGMoriarty.