Wily winning: A manual of mutating political philosophy - August 4, 2008
By Joseph Randolp
Yes, there is much to learn from him and indeed from any of your fellow aspirants to office, both do's and do not's. The trip to see the family in Europe was a big gamble, but a necessary one for him. Because the stakes were so high for a risk like this, I count the trip a success if no appreciable costs are paid, that is, votes lost for this venture. So far he seems not to have fallen off the tight rope, though he did some dangerous tilts. He lost no previously committed votes in going across the Atlantic and indeed gained a few from the undecided, while he plummeted the hatred of his enemies into a rant that he belongs to Europe and not to America.
Of course no European can cast a vote for him: that was not the reason for which he undertook this trip. He took the trip for those almost persuaded voters who wanted to hear him say things that he could only say there, but not here. That is, when he goes out, I mean over, he reveals himself, because when he is home, he cannot be his true self, but the disguise comes off when he is among his brethren. There he can openly talk about wealth redistribution, boiling down all picks for welfare check openers, four weeks mandatory vacation, disarmament, frisking the rich and so on. Our almost persuaded voter back home then knows that our candidate truly wants to remake the country in the image of the his socialist brethren, but this rankles those patriot types who insist that we left them ages ago and should not seek their backing.
These sniffing people, like the dogs you see in the airports, are menacing to our cause, but they are relatively few in number, and remember we are after the most voters, not the fewer voters. That being said, these fewer are on the hunt for our candidates and hence must be thrown off our trail. This was one reason he went to Europe and said what he said there and not here. At the same time our candidate had to throw down enough smoke to make his words seem at least patriotic in miniature toward his own nation, and only the friendly gesture of a guest seeking not to offend his host. Thus he rhapsodizes about the heavenly state of Europe and then whispers of it as a union where none fare as badly as the bottom forty million Americans. So as not to negatively offend his hosts he makes no mention of the embarrassing wealth of our country. When he encounters a frown over our wealth from the brethren, he responds by intimating that it must be dispensed with by government as it was greedily made in the private sector. For him and his future administration only the noblest motives will chart a course for a country he will make anew, in which the private sector will have less and less to say about everything and government will take the place of greed. With this look to the future of America, the brethren of course looked favorably and thus the American voter who wants a European for President because he wants his country remade in the socialist image saw everything needful to now trip the trigger for our candidate in November, and it is only August. Thus, this was the reason our candidate went over; that was a success. For those wanting to see the real candidate, they saw.
I fear our candidate may have slightly overstepped a bit, that is showed his colors too much to the suspicious back home, who are now more adamant to not vote for him, and will now try to persuade others to do the same. They are like the almost persuader voter I mentioned before, but the voter of which I now speak recognizes the real candidate too--and that his politics are not theirs and never will be. In other words, this candidate they see is no centrist, but leaning hard, though not backwards but forward. His savvy opponents who saw that now have their work cut out for them, convincing their own to not cross over and vote for our godly one.
The rest of the voters are too ignorant and simply think he went over there for some good will gesture or to sightsee. More about them later.
One might say here, then, that the added votes and the lost votes cancel each other, thus making the trip of no net gain, but this is a mistake. The hard to sway and smart voters have been satisfied and decided their vote three months early--we can reasonably forget about them now, because our attention is needed elsewhere. The masses beckon for our gifts, as we beckon for their votes, and a silver tongue assures them of timely distribution as soon as they pull the voting lever for us.
Of these large and ignorant masses, our standard fare will insure their votes without question. Nevertheless, we must repeat and repeat and repeat our promises. These masses understand little but their kitchen table, as I told you before. Therefore, you, as well as all of our candidates, should cry that a wolf is at the door, and that you are the only possible protector and that task will be accomplished without a single shot, for you will outlaw all weapons. In presenting this picture of yourself and our platform it helps that the opposition has been in power for some years, because you can paint a picture of the country as dour as you dare. Portray the world as about to collapse and that you and we will act as the rescue party. Meals, mortgagers, and everything else will be taken care of. Nevertheless, though the situation is worsening by the minute because of the opposition, do not intimate that we will pick our voters up onto a primitive raft, but a plush yacht.
You see how our candidate ever so discretely, at least most of the time, intimated that our own country is about to collapse, should he not be elected. Our candidate's trip to Europe presented him to them as the next president; he assumed the close as those in sales do. You know hope is one of his words, and he is skillful at the heavenly associations of that audacious word. Though none of our European brethren, or we for that matter, believe in that religious stuff, I mean as some saintly incarnation, we are happy to be secular saviors coming off the street rather than from the skies. People don't care where their food comes from, up or down, just as long as it comes. Devil or deity makes no matter to them as long as they get what you promise them.
Your own campaign can take a few lessons from your superior who was wined and dined by the brethren. There will of course be need for a few tweaks because of the distance we unfortunately have from them, being in the social backwater of the west compared to the Europeans I mean. Here in America, touted as the land of the free, fewer and fewer are doing any wine or palatable food as prices force them to eat the simpler meals, but even these are growing out of reach of many who see their food going for fuel, while both skyrocket in price. You tell them that famine is around the corner if our opposition wins the election.
All this our brethren in Europe provide for from cradle to casket. Enough said.
Our ignorant masses are strangers to big words, so don't use them when you are among them, not even medium words, like "income-redistribution"--but food and gasoline and cable television and the like they understand perfectly well. Frankly, if you talk about these "issues" to your voters, and talk about them well, which means promising more of these things for them, they will give you the votes you need to get these goods to them. Enough said again. Now start practicing what I have been preaching. If your polling numbers do not rise I will know you have not been reading these letters sufficiently.
Joseph Randolph is a writer and academic who lives in Wisconsin.