You and I have never met and I am tolerably certain that if we ever did
meet, we would not be warm friends. Frankly, I think that the term George
W. used when describing New York Times reporter Adam Clymer suits you
rather well. To be fair, you probably wouldn't be too crazy about me,
either: I think the people of PETA are barking mad...er, no pun intended.
Alec and Kim
I was reading the news the other day and came across a comment from your
wife, Kim Basinger (another Clymer alert, there) who said that you are
"the biggest moralist" she has ever known and that you are unswerving
on your path as a Democratic party activist and a Man Who Means What He
Says. Kim went on to say that you were serious when you said that you'd
leave the country if George W. Bush wins the presidential election in
November. I have to say that this seems rather an odd stand to take; after
all, if I had moved out of the country because of my philosophical disagreements
with the current administration, I would have been long gone. But you
are the star of movies such as The Hunt for Red October, and maybe you
think you're being dashing.
The accounts of mainstream media polls notwithstanding, I am fairly certain
that the Texas governor will emerge the victor. With that in mind, you'd
better get busy because you have a lot of packing to do.
Now, I know you tried to backpedal on your statement by saying "I
never said I'd leave the country and my wife never heard of Germany's
Focus magazine and never talked to them," but since she and we and
you all know that Columbia Tristar has already spilled the beans and said
that they were the ones who set up the interview between Focus writer
Annette Schipprack and Kim as a plug for the film I Dreamed of Africa
and that Ms. Shipprack has the whole conversation on tape anyway, it seems
that all you managed to do was make yourself look foolish.
Ah, well, better foolish than evil. When you were on Conan O'Brien's show
in 1998, you told your host that you and your fellow liberal activists
should all band together and go to Washington D.C. and stone House Judiciary
Committee Chairman Henry Hyde to death. Then you suggested that a little
foray should be made to the Hyde's home to kill Mrs. Hyde and the rest
of the family. That's some pretty mean-spirited stuff spewing from a lefty
who wants us all to celebrate "tolerance," so I'm tempted to
call you a bigot, too, along with that other term I already mentioned.
But anyway, I'm straying from the point I'm want to make, which is that
I would like to extend to you a friendly offer: I'd really like to help
you, Kim and your little daughter find a new home in another country.
I know you seem to have changed your mind, but you could always change
it back. I can offer you a couple of compelling reasons to do so. For
instance, let's face it -- your most recent movies, including 1999's Outside
Providence and this year's kiddie gem Thomas and the Magic Railroad have
both been big stinkers. And Kim's latest post-Oscar efforts have been
kind of smelly too (Mr. Showbiz movie reviewer Cody Clark recommended
shredding up a couple of five dollar bills in lieu of buying a ticket
to experience the "laughable awfulness" of her horror film Bless
the Child.) So probably neither one of you will leave an aching void at
the box office or in the nation, so this would be a great time to shove
I've been doing some research on the Internet, and I have to tell you
that right now, it's a toss-up between China and Cuba when I consider
what country would be the most likely to suit you. In either of those
places, your freakish socialistic tendencies could bloom and flourish
into full-blown Communism. I don't think it will be too hard to give up
your exclusive Hamptons-and-southern-California lifestyle since you loathe
capitalism anyway -- even though you live fat off the profits of the same
-- but I am concerned that you and Kim will no longer have much of a venue
for your animal rights work. Even though you're both card carrying members
of PETA, it's quite likely that the most you can hope for in either country
I mentioned is perhaps a small goat, or maybe some chickens. And you probably
won't be able to allow them to range freely -- your neighbors get to eat
meat so seldom.
I've been checking out the real estate in China and Cuba and I have found
a really nice block of flats in Havana that actually have running water.
You'll have to share a bathroom with four other families, but nothing's
too hard when you're living with those of like mind, is it? If you prefer
a rural area, I recommend China. You could get a job as a guide on the
Yangtze River and really get back to nature, but I understand you'll have
to weave your own grass sandals. The Chinese manufacture lots of those
fancy watersport shoes for export to free nations, but I don't imagine
they're allowed to keep any for themselves. Is Kim good at handicrafts,
by any chance?
I have to admit that the idea of you crouching in a hovel in a pair of
ragged pants with no hair mousse and no shower gel and no kelp facial
masque around is an entertaining one to me, but I assure you that my motives
are pure in wanting to give you a boost off the docks onto a rusty old
tramp steamer bound for whichever country suits your fancy. I really just
want you to be happy. And if you'll be happier as an expatriate, then
I'll be happy too. Very happy. Extremely happy. Deliriously happy. Trust
me on that.
Email me if you need some assistance. I'm here for you.