RATS -- The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy strikes again!
By Joe Schembrie
Are you starting to wonder if liberals have gone loopy with paranoia?
The liberal media's latest howl (in lieu of discussing silly trivialities like, well, issues) is that the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy has struck again -- by inserting a subliminal message into a Bush-for-President TV commercial.
In the ad, a voiceover criticizes Gore's health plan, while words flash over the screen for emphasis. The word 'BUREAUCRATS' appears, then zips left, briefly (1/30th of a second, according to New York Times stopwatches) leaving visible only the letters: 'RATS.'
Get it? Al Gore . . . RATS?
The liberal media is so outraged, they can speak of nothing else -- not Gore's campaign funding scandals, his relationship with Clinton, his phoney spending figures.
Nooooooo, the liberal media instead warns of a Republican mind-control conspiracy. It's so stuck in their craw, they even report that George W. Bush mispronounces the word as 'subliminable.' No subliminal [MANGLES WORDS] message [CAN'T NAME LEADER OF CHECHNYA] there [DYSLEXIC TOO], huh?
Hey, if we're really out to manipulate weak-minded voters, why doesn't our candidate french-kiss on national TV?
And regarding conspiracies -- if we had killed Vince Foster, it would have looked like a suicide!
But why bother with denial? The liberal media will never trust conservatives. So why not exploit their paranoia -- and scare them out of their wits?
Let's admit there really is a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC) -- and we're behind everything.
. . . EVERYTHING!
We confess: we secretly planned the Waco tragedy -- and for subliminal reasons!
We observed how 'Reno' is an anagram for 'Nero,' the evil Roman Emperor who started a fatal fire and blamed it on religious cultists. So we framed Attorney General Janet Reno for starting a fatal fire . . . and blaming religious cultists.
Now, every time you hear 'Reno,' you subliminally think, 'Nero.' I'm surprised the New York Times hasn't caught on!
They do suspect that we entrapped poor Bill Clinton in all those sex scandals. Indeed, witness how the VRWC's undercover agents have assumed names involving subliminal wordplay:
-- Paula Jones accused Clinton of exposing his 'Mister Jones.'
-- Kathleen Willey claimed Slick 'Willey' stole her 'Kat.'
-- Linda Tripp 'tripped up' his perjury conspiracy.
-- "I believe Juanita (Broaddrick)" stopped feminists from saying, "I believe Anita (Hill)."
Nor is Al Gore [OGRE] immune from our subliminal tentacles. You thought we'd let him evade Clinton's legacy of deceit? Then look at the subliminal message transparently concealed in the name of Gore's running mate: "Lie, Be Our Man!"
Even Al Gore's own name falls victim. The medical term 'Algor Mortis' refers to a corpse cooling down to room temperature -- so what better name for a stiff and lifeless candidate?
Maybe you're thinking, "He's joking, the VRWC would need a time machine to alter Al Gore's name!"
Who says we don't have a time machine?
Check the encyclopedia about the Revolutionary War. The American commander-in-chief was, of course, General George Washington. The British, meanwhile, had two consecutive commanders-in-chief: Generals William Howe and Henry Clinton.
Get it? GEORGE W(ashington) versus WILLIAM (Howe and Henry) CLINTON.
That's right! We went back in time and changed American history, so that it would foreshadow this millennium-year presidential election, subliminally associating George W. Bush with American freedom -- and William Clinton with British imperialism!
Will liberal media reporters ever accept such historical wordplay as mere random chance (or God, editorializing)? Nooooooo, their overriding paranoia drives them to perceive the subliminal hand of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy everywhere, every time!
But given we're so Vast and Conspiratorial, dare you liberal media reporters mess with us Right Wingers?
We control the vertical, we control the horizontal -- and we can control you, too. We can curdle your milk, ruin your crops, and make you fat (and you thought it was the donuts!). We can even not-too-subliminally link your name with obnoxious obscenity [CLYMER].
So isn't it time you treated us with fairness and respect?
For starters, discuss the real issues -- and lay off the dumb conspiracy theories.
Stop blaming us for everything. Like, the word 'RATS' is also inside 'DEMOCRATS' -- but it's not our fault.
Joe Schembrie is a senior writer with Enter Stage Right and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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