Could a Qatari "rescue" of America be in our future?
By Harold Witkov
Once upon a time in 1971, on an oil rich peninsula in the Persian Gulf, a not so funny plot was hatched. An extended Sunni family, the Al-Thani's, created a nation state that would forever be: all in their family. They named their country Qatar.
At first glance, Qatar seemed harmless enough. After all, it was so small, if you looked for it on a globe, you would need a magnifying glass. And not only did Qatar lack size, it lacked people. In fact, when Qatar became a State, the entire population was barely big enough to fill a large college football stadium.
But Qatar was not as innocuous as its small size would lead one to think. For one thing, Qatar was a major player in the international news business. Qatar ran the Arabic TV news network Al-Jazeera, which meant they had the power to shape the way people looked at the news, particularly amongst the Arab world. But the Qatar Royal Family was still not content. They wanted to expand, and they wanted into American living rooms too. So they paid America's former #2 man many millions of dollars (an inconvenient truth indeed!) and he transferred unto them his TV channel. And Al-Jazeera America was born!
Now tiny Qatar was both venturesome and mettlesome when it came to the world stage. They washed their hands in the Arab Spring, were brothers to the Muslim Brotherhood, and pushed their way into Israeli/Palestinian negotiations. The Qataris once hosted their own version of Let's Make a Deal (5 jihadists for an AWOL sergeant), and they won the bragging rights for the 2022 World Cup. Oh how they loved to call the shots!
Sometimes little Qatar was very naughty. When nobody was looking, they enjoyed sneaking money to Hamas hooligans. They even tried to make people in America think Hamas was not so bad. They once coerced the Minority Leader in the American House of Representatives, a nasty tempered little woman, to defiantly declare, "Hamas is a humanitarian organization!"
Security, by the way, has never been a problem in the magical little land of Qatar. That is, not since the day the U.S. sold them $11 billion worth of weaponry!
Did I mention Qatar was rich beyond belief? It was the richest country on earth, and was amongst the world leaders in natural gas and oil reserves. Yes, since their inception, Qatar has been on one long shopping spree and the world their oyster! Oh carefree little nation! Could things ever get better for you than they already are in this year of 2014?
We now fast forward ten years hence to the year 2024….
Interesting, the sea levels are the same and the glaciers are doing just fine. The U.N. still condemns Israel at every turn.
But look, the world is dramatically different! China boasts the biggest economy, the old Soviet Union is back in business, U.S. global influence is nowhere to be found, ISIS rules much of the Mideast, and Iran has a stockpile of nuclear weapons.
Tiny Qatar is not to be outdone by anyone. They are richer and more influential than ever. They have joined the nuclear bomb club too, and they are one of a handful of nations that have "Iron Dome" interceptor missiles.
Back in the States, things are very different than they were only ten years earlier in 2014. Yes, the Cubs are still in their World Series drought, and yes, the Statue of Liberty still stands, but the U.S. is not what it used to be. Thanks mostly to the 44th President, U.S. healthcare is a debacle, the United States is southern borderless, unemployment is 40%, and America is 80% dependent on foreign oil (particularly Qatari oil). But worst of all, the United States is only ticks away from defaulting on its gigantic debt payments.
Meanwhile, the first woman President is in the homestretch of her second and final term. She faces an unfixable national bankruptcy crisis, severe marriage problems, and with her tenure as President coming to a close, she does not want to leave the White House feeling "dead broke."
So she devises a plan. She divorces her philandering husband, and then sends the former House Minority Leader (who is now, once again, the House Majority Leader) to "confer" in earnest with the Qataris. A deal is struck. A month later, the Emir of Qatar flies to the White House, and brings his three wives. In a touching ceremony performed by the 44th President's Chicago Pastor, the President of the United States becomes 4th wife to the Emir of Qatar.
The U.S. debt problem mysteriously disappears. The flag of Qatar is hoisted over the White House.
Harold Witkov is an occasional contributor to Enter Stage Right. © 2014 Harold Witkov