All the jihadi news fit to distort

By Greg Strange
web posted October 10, 2005

Like something out of an absurd "Saturday Night Live" skit
designed to elicit belly laughs from a modern, cynically savvy
audience, al-Qaida recently debuted its first video "newscast"
over the Internet. Funny thing is, it wasn't actually trying to be
funny. Calling itself the "Voice of the Caliphate," it featured an
"anchorman" who wore a black ski mask asend nd an
ammunition belt. Near his right hand was a copy of the Koran
and there was a rifle affixed to a tripod pointing at the camera.

In most conventional newscasts such menacing accouterments
and unflattering garb would be no-no's, but this broadcast wasn't
being run on the basis of advice from slick media consultants or
focus group research. This was al-Qaida (purportedly, we
should note), raw and uncensored, reaching out to the jihadi
faithful via the wonders of infidel technology.

Even the folks at al-Jazeera who have faithfully served as al-
Qaida's journalistic apologists, had to be laughing at the
absurdity of this insane broadcast. Despite psychological defense
mechanisms such as denial and cognitive dissonance, the
question simply has to pass through their minds: Can a culture or
a civilization that spawns something this unintentionally absurd
and self-destructive possibly make it in a modern, globally
competitive 21st century world or is it doomed to extinction as
surely as was the dodo bird?

It is truly one of the towering questions of our time. In any event,
broadcasting to the world live via infidel technology, a new era of
broadcast journalism has been born. Let's look at a few choice
excerpts from the divinely-inspired 16-minute broadcast.

The Global Media Front presents to you: "Sout Al-Khalifa" (The
Voice of the Caliphate). In the name of Allah, the merciful, the
compassionate. The headlines of this news summary: Gaza has
been liberated -- a great victory, yet a weighty responsibility. In
Iraq, Abu Mus'ab Al-Zarqawi declares a war of Sunni
Vengeance, and Hurricane Katrina is the beginning of the divine,
just punishment.

Apparently, the Voice of the Caliphate isn't fully clued in to the
journalistic concept of accuracy. A "great victory in Gaza?"
Here's a more accurate newsflash. The "great victory in Gaza"
was nothing of the sort. Israel wasn't defeated in battle or driven
out, it simply decided that it wasn't worth the trouble to hang on
to the contentious, 146-square-mile chunk of terrorist terrain it
had held since the '67 war. But if al-Qaida wants to persist in
calling this a "great victory," then let's extrapolate into the future a
bit to see how long it might take to free all Muslim lands from
Zionist occupation.

Given that it took 38 years to liberate an area of 146 square
miles (which, to put it into perspective, is roughly one eighth the
size of Rhode Island), then at that rate of liberation the Golan
Heights, the West Bank and, of course, the ultimate prize of
Israel itself, will all be in Arab hands in approximately 2,800
years or thereabouts.

So, while the rest of humanity will have expanded its scientific
knowledge at an exponential rate and in 2,800 years will be
zipping around the galaxy like the Jetsons, the Flintstonian
jihadists will have finally regained control of about 11,000 square
miles of sacred sand, Allah willing. But anyway, congratulations,
guys. We're all sure you're going to do great things with the
newly "liberated" Gaza Strip.

In other news:

The entire Islamic world overflowed with joy when Hurricane
Katrina struck in America, which seemed to reel from the
strength of the hurricane . . . Broken and completely humiliated,
George Bush . . . announced his obvious incapability to deal with
the wrath of Allah that visited the city of homosexuals.

This really gets confusing. Did Allah trash New Orleans in order
to humiliate the Great Satan America, or to humiliate George
Bush for invading a Muslim country, or because New Orleans is
crawling with iniquitous homosexuals, or all of the above? I didn't
even know New Orleans was the "city of homosexuals," did
you? I thought it was the city of jazz, Mardi Gras and Creole
cuisine. Granted, no one should be surprised to see a few
flamboyant types sashaying around the French Quarter, but this
appellation of the "city of homosexuals" is new. Perhaps to al-
Qaida's way of thinking, any city where homosexuals live openly
without fear of execution is a "city of homosexuals."

In other weather related news:

While Louisiana is trying to recover from the aftermath of
Hurricane Katrina, another hurricane fiercely struck the state of
North Carolina . . . but so far there have been no casualties or
significant damage . . . We hope that Allah will humiliate America
with this hurricane to make it a lesson for whoever wants to
listen.

I guess Allah was feeling especially merciful and compassionate
that day since America wasn't particularly humiliated. And why
not? He's got all the time in the world to destroy all the infidels,
so what's the hurry? True believers must be a patient lot after
these 14 centuries of Islam, serene in the faith that, even though
much of the Islamic world continues to fall further and further
behind the rest of humanity's progress, it's all part of Allah's
unfathomable but glorious plan. Whatever floats their boat.

Turning to news from the front lines:

We now move on to the occupied land, to the land of the
Caliphate, the glorious land of Iraq. The American wolves have
desecrated our women's honor in Tel'afar and other Sunni cities .
. . The valiant hero, the Emir of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Mus'ab
Al-Zarqawi, rose to defend the honor of the pure Muslim
women in the robbed land of Iraq.

Is this really what it's all about for the "valiant hero" Zarqawi,
defending the "honor of the pure Muslim women?" How many
pure Muslim women out there would consider it a bargain to be
under the sway of this psycho who chops off heads and sends
suicide bombers to blow up children? How many pure Muslim
women want to live under the rule of the fundamentalist caliphate
that Zarqawi dreams about wherein a female dog would be safer
from abuse than a female human?

That's enough "Voice of the Caliphate" lowlights for now. The
world has been promised weekly broadcasts from now on, until,
presumably, all Muslim lands have been liberated, and perhaps
even until all lands everywhere else have been converted. Or
until they're put out of business for good. Until one of those
occurs, it's going to be all jihadi buncombe all the time. Pray for
success in Iraq because without it, the Middle East only gets
worse and this is what we'll be putting up with for a very long
time to come.

Greg Strange's web site can be found at
http://www.greg-strange.com. (c) 2005 Greg Strange.

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