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You know you're getting old

By Lawrence Henry
web posted November 26, 2001

You know you're getting old when…

You stop to look at a new automobile and think, "Gee, that's a nice looking car." And it's a Ford Taurus.

You buy a seven-day pill organizer at Walgreen's. And you have a reason to use it.

You really understand the difference between and HMO and a PPO. You understand prescription drug pricing. You consider it occasion for a celebration when you successfully jawbone your insurance company into covering something they didn't want to cover.

The AARP has begun sending you recruiting brochures.

You observe that the young female pop stars featured on videos at the bowling alley all look so much alike that they ought to have numbers painted on them, like stock cars. And you ask the bowling alley proprietors to turn down the volume so you can concentrate, for Pete's sake. (Why would anybody want music videos at a bowling alley?)

Nobody else remembers Perez Prado. Or Spike Jones. Or even Brian Jones.

Kate O'Beirne

Your idea of a sexy babe is Kate O'Beirne.

You actually want socks for Christmas.

Your kids groan when you tell them stories about when you were a kid, too.

You go to bed before your kids. The best time of day is nap time. A good night's sleep is when you have to get up only twice to pee.

It hurts when you get up in the morning. You listen seriously to Paul Harvey's commercials and often buy the products he advertises, especially the pain relievers. You have owned a Select Comfort bed for a long time.

In a sidewalk café, a young woman regards you with a strange, fixed expression. When you glance her way, the expression intensifies. Long after you leave, you realize she was flirting.

You have always had children. Really. There was never a time when you didn't have children.

You are on your fourth or fifth volume discount card at Sears's children's department. You spend a lot of time at Sears.

Your wife's favorite store is Home Depot. You have a two-year subscription to the monthly magazine of the National Kitchen and Bath Institute. You offer your wife a mink coat and she says no, she'd really rather have a new sidewalk out front.

She means it.

You know all the guys at the Town Engineer's office.

You think a good, sharp intellectual discussion is debating the merits of zoysia grass.

You have needed two pairs of glasses for some time, and are trying hard not to need three.

The young at heart Lawrence Henry is a senior writer for Enter Stage Right.

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