HRC: 'No woman is illegal'
By Carey Roberts
web posted January 21, 2008
Hillary Clinton has come up with a brilliant solution to the problem of millions of illegals flooding our countryside. Ready for this? Simply declare them legal -- at least when it comes to women. Mrs. Clinton needed only four words to unveil her novel proposal during a Nevada campaign stop earlier this month: "No woman is illegal."
The idea of opening the floodgates to foreign women is intriguing. Of course the pesky Fourteenth Amendment does promise "equal protection of the laws," an ideal that presumably was intended to apply to members of the male sex.
So we could add a codicil to the Equal Protection Clause that reads, "Members of the female sex are hereby exempted from this provision." Better yet, we could enact FWRSEA, the Foreign Women's Rescue, Safety, and Empowerment Act, the name rendering the bill politically bulletproof. FWRSEA would create a generous revenue stream to hire hundreds of women's studies grads who would otherwise be unemployable.
Just consider the advantages of Mrs. Clinton's solution. Right now if an illegal woman needs a work permit, she must endure the rigamarole of finding a lawyer, tediously filling out paperwork, and then hoping for the best.
Good grief! That imposes a tremendous psychological burden on the woman and costs the American taxpayer a bundle. Why not do away with the legal formalities altogether?
All we would need to do is open up a separate entrance at the borders, "Women Only." As women stream through the gates, a Citizenship and Immigration Service representative would distribute American passports, blue-tinted voter registration forms, and K-Mart discount coupons.
She (naturally) would also pass out brochures explaining how to qualify for welfare benefits. The brochure would go something like this:
"Bienvenidos. President Hillary Clinton and First Laddy Bill welcome you to the United States of America, richest nation on Mother Earth.
Follow these four easy steps and the good life will be yours:
- Get involved with a man, preferably a guy with a steady job and a nice house.
- Accuse him of raising his voice, throwing ashtrays, or any other form of domestic violence. It's simple -- you only need to blurt in front of the judge: "He abused me and I feel afraid." Those magical words will entitle you to free legal services, housing assistance, priority on welfare benefits, and much more.
- If you get pregnant, keep it a secret from the father. Move out as soon as possible. When you fill in the birth certificate, write in the name of any well-heeled dude you've seen around town. That will put him on the hook for 18 years of tax-free child support payments – that's real money!
- If the father learns of the pregnancy, tell everyone it was a "forced pregnancy," creating the specter of marital rape. That will gain you immediate custody of the child and child support, plus all the welfare services. Remember, in our great country you don't have to provide an ounce of evidence, you only need scream, ‘Abuse!'"
Naturally this brochure would need to be available in Spanish, French, Sanskrit, and Tagalog. Translators would help, too.
Of course there are cranks like Camille Paglia who believe Hillary simply has it in for men. Writing in Salon she notes, "Contemptuous condescension seems to be Hillary's default mode with any male who criticizes her or stands in her way. It's a Nixonian reflex steeped in toxic gender bias."
Paglia digs deeper: "Hillary's willingness to tolerate Bill's compulsive philandering is a function of her general contempt for men. She distrusts them and feels morally superior to them."
And here's the zinger: "Hillary's disdain for masculinity fits right into the classic feminazi package."
Unfortunately, Ms. Paglia doesn't seem to understand this cardinal rule of American politics: You can never do too much to satisfy your female constituency. So just ignore Paglia's inchoate rant.
So in one fell swoop you've solved the immigration conundrum and you've added millions of newly-minted voters to the Democratic rolls.
Plus, you've sent scads of men, all would-be abusers, to chill out in the slammer, now unable to vote.
The political genius of that woman. 
Carey Roberts is a Staff Writer for The New Media Alliance. The New Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers, journalists and grass-roots media outlets.